Think Like Jesus

February 14, 2014February 14, 2014 Rob McQueary Creative Change, Sharing Life

I Hate Valentine’s Day

Today is a day I wish I could use Google Analytics to see the variance in numbers between male and female readers. Speaking in general, I think it is safe to say that a majority of women look forward to Valentine’s Day. And perhaps an equally overwhelming majority of men, do not. My reason(s) for not caring for Valentine’s Day actually stem from the fact that I consider myself somewhat of a romantic. I suppose you’ll have to ask my wife for verification. I don’t want anyone – not even the calendar – telling me how, when, or to what degree I ought to love my wife. There are more specific reasons, too… among them are these:

Love Is (often) Silent
Some of the best ways to say “I love you” do not need words. It’s true that actions speak louder than words. And as it relates to love, I know most women would rather SEE “I love you” than merely HEAR it. This is where the concept of Love Languages (click on the link to find this amazing guide) has been so valuable to me in my personal life and in my counseling.

Love Is Consistent
If most of us (regardless of gender) were honest, I’m pretty sure we’d rather feel loved 365 days than 1. While I will be the first to admit that my average is less than perfect, I try to live this way. Love as a lifestyle instead of love as an assignment.

Love Is Creative
Consistently over the years, the gifts that have meant the most to my wife were those that included me listening and investing time and effort to obtain them. Don’t get me wrong, she digs chocolate and flowers as much as the next person (and I try to purchase both throughout the year). I just find it wooden and plastic that every February 14 people all over the world feel loved and appreciated if they have these kinds of things. You’re worth more than that.

So, ladies, don’t settle for 1 day. Find a guy who is willing to love you better than that. And, guys, the only way this works – us saying we hate Valentine’s Day – is if our women know that we love them much more frequently than one prescribed day on a calendar. Go!

PS: We’re still going out to dinner tonight.

February 6, 2014November 15, 2015 Rob McQueary Extending Forgiveness, Following Jesus, Scripture as Source

First Aid: Healing Your Heart

Some recent discussion on my Facebook wall discovered that there are several friends with whom I shared my childhood who have lasting injuries because of insensitive people (or worse).

Anyone who has ever been sick – really sick – will tell you that the most difficult part of the illness was the path to being whole again. Thankfully our bodies typically have a built-in surge that helps with this. Now imagine an injury that is invisible. While it is tough enough to treat something that you can see, treating the invisible seems, at times, impossible.

As I have been pondering and praying about all of the stories that have been retold these last many days I thought of this simple analogy that may help us begin to heal our hearts. It has everything to do with first aid.

FIRST
There is no (ultimate) healing apart from Jesus. Maybe the saddest part of some of our realities is that these hurts occurred within the walls of a place we trusted to act Christianly. Certainly at times, they did not. But the way of Jesus is the way of forgiveness. You’ve heard it said that bitterness (or for our purposes, unforgiveness) is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. The first part of finding true healing for your heart is forgiving the person or persons who sinned against you. Healing cannot occur until our our hearts are reconciled to (made right with) God. This has to be first.

AID
It is likely that you cannot do this alone. And it’s ok. You were not meant to live life alone. Find someone else to help you get your head and heart around what you’re feeling. I remember the humiliation and embarrassment I felt the first time I went to counseling as an adult. I felt that I should have been able to pull myself together on my own. How wrong I was. Having a trained counselor help me walk through my hurt was the best investment I could have made. Sit with a trained professional who is a person of faith and allow them to speak into your life.

Many of us have learned to forgive and have continued to have fruitful and fulfilling lives. Don’t let that make you feel guilty if you’re not there yet. Be encouraged that healing is available. Just as physical injury requires specific medical attention, so do our spiritual injuries. Be purposeful. Take your time. And remember the right order… first Jesus… then, aid from others.

January 24, 2014January 24, 2014 Rob McQueary Extending Forgiveness, Following Jesus, Scripture as Source, Sharing Life, Spiritual Progress

The Lens of Time

It has been said that time heals all wounds. Unfortunately that simply is not true. This Monday I made an unscheduled stop at the place where I grew up – in the shadow of the Sears Tower (yes, it will always be the Sears Tower to me). My simple post to Facebook – just three words – read, “So many memories.” What ensued was remarkable in some ways and sad in others. Bethel Baptist Church and Schaumburg Christian School were and are not perfect places. They were however, the places that I made lasting friendships. Friendships that have passed the test of time.

And there’s that word again… time. So if time does not heal all wounds, what is its potential value? I think it better to see time as a lens. As we look through the lens of time we are able to see things more clearly. Function and dysfunction. Good and evil. Joy and pain. Events may not be healed with time, but they can be understood. And, hopefully, made right.

In my professional life I have been blessed to help people. I have seen two common trends: one, people tend to view the pain of others as less than it really is; and two, people tend to see their own pain as greater than it really is. Whichever “side” of that you may fall on, it would greatly help the discussion move forward if you could lean into those two trends a bit.

How exactly does the lens of time work? We may come to different conclusions about things or events, but I think all of us have benefitted more or less in these kinds of ways:

time gives perspective – I remember the first time I returned to my childhood street in Hoffman Estates. I had been gone several years and now had kids of my own. I could not believe how short the street had become and how the slope of the street had diminished. Of course, neither of those things were true. Only my perspective had changed.
time brings maturity – I acknowledge that age and maturity are not synonymous. That said, most of us move through our youthful experiences and understand that things done/said in immaturity are just that. I guess that’s perspective, too.
time allows for forgiveness – Even our judicial system gets this. Whether we always think it fair or not, certain crimes have statutes of limitations. Perhaps so should we.

In saying all of this I am NOT saying that things spoken or done do not matter… they do. I’m just trying to open the door for civil discussion by saying that time should help us see Bethel and SCS as they really were – flawed places that did some things wrong and some things well. May we all see more clearly as we look through the lens of time. PS: I don’t think it means that all of us must see everything the same way.

January 17, 2014 Rob McQueary Extending Forgiveness, Following Jesus, Scripture as Source, Sharing Life

Learning How to Love

I am on my way to Bair Lake Bible Camp in Jones, Michigan, where I will be speaking to a group of students this weekend. Many of these are the same students I got to know last year on this same winter retreat. They’re from Crosspointe Christian Church and Hope Community Baptist Church near Detroit. Please pray that I can be clear and that the Holy Spirit can bring understanding. Our focus for the weekend is love. We will seek to reflect upon these four questions:

What does the world’s love look like?
How much did Jesus love His disciples?
How do we love each other when it’s hard?
Will not-yet-believers be attracted to us because of our love?

Whenever I speak for events like this, I ask the leaders to tell me the thing(s) that they feel need some extra attention. Instead of speaking some random, pre-packaged sermons, we are able to talk about things that have already been identified as areas of need. Thanks for praying!

December 30, 2013December 31, 2013 Rob McQueary Following Jesus, Scripture as Source

Life of Pi and Religious Pluralism

On occasion, and not very often, I am late to the dance. Though I have been very aware of this movie and its acclaim, I only recently saw The Life of Pi for the first time. Part of the backstory is what interested me most. There is a scene in which the main character Pi, a younger person at the time, discusses his beliefs. We have already seen that he is an amalgam of Catholicism, Hinduism, and Islam. There is a growing (yet not new) understanding of faith known as religious pluralism. Recently Pope Francis was rumored to have said that, “All religions are true.” A little digging proves this is a false allegation, yet this same sentiment is becoming more prevalent. From my vantage point there are two main streams in these thoughts…

Why We Want Religious Pluralism to Work
An all-paths-lead-to-God theology is desirable because it almost certainly puts all people on equal ground both here and hereafter. We want to believe one of two equally-merited thoughts… one, that all people are generally good and should be treated as such; and two, that if a Deity does exist, his love should outweigh his justice. Further, we want to see spirituality as a series of paths, and that all paths lead to heaven or wholeness or karma or whatever the good place (reality) you may subscribe to.

Why Religious Pluralism Cannot Work
Because I have learned not to, I will not begin with the Bible. Let’s start from an intellectual point of view. Ironically and sadly enough, the term we have borrowed from geography does not work in geography anymore than it does in spirituality. All roads do not lead to Rome. Well, they do… but only if you misspell it “roam”. We know that if we head north on I-75 in Atlanta it will take us through Knoxville, TN on our way through Cincinnati, OH on to Detroit, MI and all the way to Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, Canada. I know. I took my college roommate there to renew his Canadian visa. It will not, however, take us to Rome, Italy. No intelligent person would say so. Yet far too many believe that this same line of thought is possible in spirituality.

And then there’s the Bible. Christian, if you honestly study the pages of this book you know that it is both lovingly inclusive to all who believe, yet exclusive for those who do not. You don’t have to like this. You don’t have to agree with it. You don’t have to understand it. You can even wish that it was not so. But none of that changes what the Scriptures say. As I have argued elsewhere (and will continue to), this does not give us the freedom to beat not-yet-believing people over the head with it (the Bible). It does force us to – at least – admit that there are some final conclusions about destiny and what happens to us ultimately that are spoken of distinctly in the pages of Scripture.

In closing (and hopefully opening), my prayer for anyone reading this is that you would begin in a place of intellectual honesty. All religions simply cannot be simultaneously true. Few, if any, would allow it. But even with those facts, and from my admittedly Christian viewpoint, loving one another is not optional. Speaking kindly to people (especially when you disagree with them) is not take it or leave it. Finally, the words of Jesus in John 3.

For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.

December 20, 2013November 15, 2015 Rob McQueary Extending Forgiveness, Following Jesus, Scripture as Source, Social Action

The Gospel According to Phil

Duck Dynasty has become a hard-to-explain American phenomenon. Plus nothing. People who have never even shot a gun or hunted anything find themselves glued to the television to listen in on the raw antics of the Robertson family… 14 million of us. That’s right, I said us. Before we downgraded our cable package I was one of the faithful.

This post is in response to some recent “hot water” (I’m sure he doesn’t feel the heat) into which the patriarch of the family, Phil Robertson, has stepped squarely. My main audience is composed of people who believe in Jesus… not all… but most. Like no other, this post is mainly for those of us who already believe. Perhaps to your sadness, I don’t really think there is a whole lot to talk about here. Did any of us really expect a backwoods, old school, child of the 60’s who throws his grandkid’s cell phone into the lake to have left-leaning views on homosexuality? Instead I would like to challenge our reaction to such events. Let’s do this.

Stop Expecting People Who Do Not Believe to Act Like Believers
Seriously. Why are we surprised when people who do not believe act in ways that are appropriate to their own system of belief? Do you really think that a network who, by its own admission, has been a strong supporter of the gay community would not take offense to Phil’s statement? This very simple principle has been the highest value as I have learned to have genuine friendships with people who do not subscribe to my beliefs. Please for their sake, for the sake of the gospel stop expecting people who do not believe to act like believers.

Start Educating Yourself
We have become such a soundbyte culture that we sit around waiting for the next news story to drop so that we can react to it on Facebook or Twitter or better yet, on someone’s site that we do not even know. This kind of reacting is detrimental to the cause of Christ and does not exemplify the spirit of Jesus. How many who have commented even took the time to read the initial lengthy interview? I’ll make it easy for you. You can click HERE to find it. I have said it before, but I’ll say it again here because it fits. It is my strong opinion that you should not even comment on something about which you have not first educated yourself. Responding secondarily via someone else’s opinion has a lessening and demeaning legal title… hearsay.

Stop Pretending You Know Phil Robertson
Unless you do, but I’m going to guess that would be an underwhelmingly small minority of us. You can only read about his story and his life. That gets you in the door, but not on the stage. You don’t know his family or him or what God has asked of him and/or them.

Start Practicing the Great Commandment
You know… the one that Phil paraphrased. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus said that the biggest way we can demonstrate our faith to those who do not share it is to love each other (those of us who do follow Jesus). We suck at this. Am I angry with some Christians right now? Yes, I am. More about that in a minute. But the answer is not for me to dig my heels in and win an argument. My command is to love. My desire is to mirror what I find in Philippians 2:5-8. I want to…

have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

You want to keep Christ in Christmas? It happens in moments like these.

Stop Being Mean-Spirited
There are moments when people that call themselves Christians embarrass me. And, for the record, it is not just people who may have a more conservative position than my own. It goes the other way too. In this particular conversation I have heard angry pro-gay Christians say horrible things about Phil and his family. There have been equally hideous words and sentiments coming from those to the right. Christianity is not an argument to be won. It is not a debate in which you are to be the victor. Christianity is a person and his name is Jesus. And his attitude is made clear as referenced in the text above and throughout the New Testament. Are there end-of-the-discussion realities that will in an ultimate sense separate us from those who do not yet believe? Absolutely. Does that fact give us the right to fly off the handle about ____________… whatever the issue? Absolutely not.

December 4, 2013 Rob McQueary Creative Change, Following Jesus, Sharing Life

Preparing for the Holidays

The holidays are upon us. I’d like to challenge all of us to consider now (at the beginning of the season) how we prepare for these days of wonderment. My heart is that you and I could enjoy the trappings without falling into the traps that so often come during this time of year. Allow me to suggest a few actions that will help us prepare.

Avoid Extremes
There is a beautiful sacredness that accompanies this season. There are also plenty of secular traditions that have an appropriate place in our hearts and lives. Be ok with both. Don’t get trapped into meaningless arguments about the wording of our greetings, etc. If “keeping Christ in Christmas” is important to you, then do that. That has nothing to do with secular people inserting the name of Jesus into a greeting. It has everything to do with those of us who believe keeping the person and work of Jesus alive in the way we talk about and operate in this season.

Simplify
Our western culture could not possibly be more different from the eastern culture of which Bethlehem was and is a part. We tend to think that the more, the better. Packed schedules. More gifts. What if we made active attempts to simplify this year? What if you just applied it to those two things? Try to clear your calendar instead of fill it. Give fewer gifts that have deeper meaning. However you choose to analyze simplification, you are almost certain to benefit from its consideration.

Worship
With this final thought I am not so much thinking of mainly corporate worship, though attending special Christmas services can be an excellent push in the right direction. I’m thinking more of personal, private, and daily reflection on the coming of Jesus. What it means. Stand in awe. Let the incarnation of Jesus blow you away again the way it did the first time you understood it. Be thankful. Be humble.

But none of these things are likely to happen by accident. Some of them are downright difficult. All of them have value and rich reward if we will just prepare for the holidays.

November 26, 2013November 26, 2013 Rob McQueary Creative Change, Sharing Life, Spiritual Progress

Hitting the Wall Can Be A Good Thing

Hitting the wall is almost always seen as a bad thing. Certainly in auto racing it is. Baseball players try to avoid it. And in the world of writing it even has its own pet name… writer’s block. So for the last two weeks I have been in one of those places. Stuck. Just not wanting to write or think. Usually when I hit one of these walls I may stop writing for a significant amount of time. It has often been multiple weeks, even months. Usually I will read an article like this one – http://michaelhyatt.com/13-idea-starters-for-stuck-bloggers and get back to work. But this is a different season and I have seen writing become a more significant part of my personal life as well as my “ministry life”. So my viewpoint of this wall-hitting has also been different.

I love to sing. More than a few times I have even considered it as a career. For any aspiring musician their becoming is all about finding their voice. What makes them unique. What they have to say and how they say it that sets them apart. Which brings me to this particular wall. Even 40+ years into my journey I am becoming. In this season of life I have found myself asking questions of myself (and God) that I have not asked in a very long time. Yes, I am familiar with the whole mid-life crisis thing. And this may have something to do with that at some level. But it’s more than that. I’m finding my voice. I’m in a place of discovering what God has wired me to do in this next season of life. To be honest, I’m sure I do not know all of what that means. But as the weeks pass I am becoming increasingly convinced that it will have something to do with writing and speaking.

What about you? Yes, you. You are helping me find my voice. It’s only fair that I help you. What has God uniquely wired you to do? You think it’s too late for that? You’ve hit the wall in a dead-end job? Then you’re in the perfect place to ask that question! Get to it. Find your voice.

November 5, 2013 Rob McQueary Following Jesus, Sharing Life

Parenthood: Living With Teenagers

The most misunderstood segment of our population is teenagers. They are becoming. They are awkward. They are rebellious. They are full of potential. I have spent the majority of my life and career learning to relate to them. When I first started my career I was closer in age to them than I was far. I served teenagers and their parents professionally for two decades. So I know what I’m talking about, right? Sure. And, not really.

I believe it was Dr. James Dobson who jokingly suggested locking adolescents in a box and letting them out after their teen years. Though there are deep and obvious problems with this as a reality, most honest parents of teens have considered it. These years are undoubtedly the most difficult years for parents and their blossoming children to navigate. All three of our kids bear the technical title of teenager, though our oldest has been living on her own for the last two years. These simple words that I share are reminders that I return to often to keep me on course as I am living with teenagers. I share as a fellow-traveller, not an expert.

Remember What You’ve Already Done
For good or ill, most of your work is already done. The first eleven years are much more formative than any that follow. Particularly if you have invested well in the early season, take heart. Your work in these years will not have been in vain… even when it seems so. The Scriptures say so. All of the “stuff” you have worked so hard to instill in your kids will never go away no matter how hard they may try to suppress it. Even what you perceive to be rebellion is often their attempt to see if the “stuff” you gave them really holds water.

Be Real
Among a teenager’s most valuable assets, is their BS-meter. Teens can spot a phony a mile away. Even if you are trying to “pull yourself together” or “put your best foot forward”, do so in a way that is honest and genuine. Certainly every parent will wrestle with how much to tell a kid and when, but wrestle with it and be real in the process. Here are some of the checklist-type things that I am constantly working on myself:

admitting when I’m wrong
apologizing when I sin
listening

Set Boundaries
I said earlier that most of your work is already done, but not all of it. Your kids will never admit this, but they want you to still set boundaries in their lives. Of course they will kick and scream almost every step of the way, but you must do the hard work. Here is the main thing that we have stuck to that has been helpful. Whenever possible (especially as they are maturing), set boundaries together. Don’t just dictate. Tell them why you think a bedtime (or whatever) is important and talk it through together. If you’ve set it together, it will be much easier to enforce because they were in on its establishment. Even as you set these things, discuss appropriate consequences for their failure. If you don’t do this, the boundaries won’t matter. And trust me, once that boundary slips (whatever it is), it’s tough to go back and regain it. You’re just too tired to fight the battle at that point.

Remember the Goal
Remember why you became a parent in the first place. In some cases (many, actually), this is a HUGE part of the problem. All too often, parents decide to become parents for selfish reasons and when their kids hit the teen years, and give ideological resistance, the onslaught becomes all-consuming. We are supposed to parent as stewards. Our kids should belong to God before and after they ever belong to us. When we understand it in this way, the goal should be to help them become all that God has pre-ordained. Obviously this creates a bit of pressure, but it ultimately calls us to remember that they are in His hands.

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